Weight & Loss

I've lost 27 pounds since the day I lost Anna.

I celebrate it and mark it not as a  "weight loss" or as part of any achieved goal of weight loss or even fitness. I celebrate it simply to celebrate and honor my body.

I have had three of my babies die inside me. Three children who my body, for reasons unknown, totally failed. They were all early losses. But they came after weeks of injections, doctor appointments, and ultrasounds. After months of invasive tests, consultations with outside doctors, attempts to find answers at why I've lost a previous baby. By August 2015, I'd had over 130 blood tests, 50+ ultrasounds, and had started a new powerful drug to hopefully prevent another loss. Yet,  I had my third loss.

At times I call my body a walking graveyard-- sometimes I say it with proud strength, that I am strong enough to handle this and I am proud to honor them. Other times I say it with pain. The kind of pain that hits when you realize your track record for bringing humans to life is only 1-4. That your remaining embryos have a better chance at life in someone else than in you.

After these losses it's been hard for me to trust my body. Hard to respect my body. Hard to honor my body. After I lost Anna the weight I'd put on in that treatment was like a security blanket to me. Me and my round little belly, honoring what was lost. But the truth is I wasn't moving on.

I was stuck in the ultrasound room where there was a heartbeat. I was stuck in the waiting room praying there was still a heartbeat. Stuck in the OR waiting room, praying there'd been a mistake and there would be a heartbeat again before the D&C. Moving away from those moments felt like moving away from the baby. Moving away without the baby, who we later learned was a girl, who Liam had already, inexplicably, named Anna.

For months I walked around in a fog, U2's song "Stuck in Moment" floating in my consciousness. I knew I was in suspended animation but there were so many realities in my life, related and unrelated to the loss, that I just refused to confront.

Then in November of 2015 I began to meditate. My meditations were more focused on personal relationships but I began to realize the most crucial relationship in my life was the one I had with myself. And I had to love myself. I had to honor myself. I had to forgive myself and move out of that moment.

The reality is, that moving out of that moment doesn't mean I'm ever moving on without Anna or the other babies. Moving on doesn't mean that I'm forgetting. Each day I try to do one thing to honor them, one thing I hope they'd do for the world if they'd lived... one act of goodness, kindness, compassion and tolerance.

But was I doing any of those acts of kindness, compassion or tolerance for myself? No. I was happy to let myself suffer for being a walking graveyard. My health didn't matter. My health wasn't worth it.

By December, though, I was in trouble. The blood loss from my miscarriage the year before had caused my body to become insulin resistant and I was teetering dangerously close to developing Diabetes. Worse, my blood sugar was making me dizzy, foggy, and killing my short term memory. Desperate to settle into a more natural solution, I chose to embrace the nutrition guide I'd gotten from my endocrinologist. I chose to honor my body and my health as a way of honoring my lost babies. Every meal, every bite, was a chance to be more healthy, to be more vibrant, to live my life with more vigor so I can live for them.

And here I am, 27 pounds later. I call it mindful eating. But it's truly heart-ful eating. I am here. I carry my babies in my heart. And, together, we are moving on.

Great few weeks!

Liam has had an amazing few weeks! He walked for the first time a few days ago taking for a five steps independently. He is also using his hands to sign more often. He can sign for diaper, upstairs, light on, cracker, eat, more, Dog, milk, all done... I think that's all. I am now teaching him how to sign music and outside.
He also is using some words. He loves to say Dadaaaa. He also says dog but dog sounds more like ga. He can say "outside" and "light on" but it's kind of hard to understand unless you're with him all the time like we are. According to my mother, he has really good receptive language. He understands what were saying more often and lets us know that he understands by smiling or nodding or signing more".

The answer is No

I there anything better than little hands grabbing your face and pulling it in for a baby bit kiss? No!! It is bliss :)

Talking!

Liam has had a pretty amazing two weeks in a cognitive sense. He is using more words. He is saying "dog" and "all done" and "uh oh" quite often.

Liam is One!

Liam had a great birthday! Jill and I went to Hanover to get some chairs and while there we got lunch at Olive Garden. The manager went Liam a cake!

Strep

Baby has strep! I'm so sick and he's been coughing lately. He also hasn't been sleeping through the night, poor been. So I took him in and yup-- positive strep test! We were prescribed Ceftinir.

Waving

Liam has been waving for a couple weeks now. Usually bye bye AFTER we or someone leaves. But he's getting the hang of it lately. Evidence: he waves to me while he nurses. Adorable!

Clap'

Liam was nursing and just unlatched, clapped a few times, and kept nursing! Glad he enjoys it so much!!

He is getting a new tooth, top right. That'll be his sixth!

Snotter

Bananas!

Liam had his first teeny bits of banana today!

Puffs

We started feeding Liam puffs about two weeks ago. He can feed himself somewhat successfully :)

New carseat

We switched Liam to his convertible carseat this week. He loves it! So much space!

Crib stander!!

Love

I love when nursing sessions and in giggle Fests with my little man. :-)

New

Liam can push himself up to sitting on his own!