Crying in the Shower

I just cried in the shower for the past half an hour. I can't stop myself from thinking and wondering and asking why not me. Sometimes I tell myself, I tease myself, I chide myself, that God is punishing me for everything I have ever done wrong. That God is telling me I obviously am either not worthy enough or good enough or whatever enough to be a Mom. I know this is just my insecurity talking. I don't believe in a God that would be like that, but obviously on some level I do.

I just want an answer. I want to know why it's not me. I want to know why others get it so easy, why others take it for granted, why some can even KILL their children and still be blessed with the gift of life while I have waited since 2006 for even the slightest glimmer of a positive pregnancy test. I can't even imagine what that would feel like, what that joy would be, what emotions I would feel and I'm sure so many other more blessed, more entitled, more gifted, more privileged and more deserving women in the world would be more than willing to go on at length about how they feel about motherhood but I don't care.

This is about me. I have to make it about me and how I feel and how horrible it feels to believe that your very existence is pointless and without gravity. If I die tomorrow what will be left of me in the world? Absolutely nothing, except maybe some spiteful students who I once snapped at and a dog who will believe I abandoned him. (Of course I know I have my family but they have themselves and their own legacies. And my poor darling Matt) But if I die, I leave very little behind in the world. What does that say about me? What does that say about my existence?

I know this is so selfish, that there are plenty of parents in the world who aren't biologically linked to their children, who are parents through action more than blood, and who are probably better parents than most biological parents. Maybe one day that will be me, and my baby will biologically be another's but will be mine in heart and spirit. I would love that. I would love that baby. I would love any baby because I want to mother. Noun/verb, whatever, but there is something in me that wants to mother. I want to love. I have so much love to give and my poor labrador can only tolerate so much.

What if I die tomorrow? Where will that love go?