pregnant women are smug

i get really tired of people who, when things go their way, say "God has answered our prayers". That is so smug. What they're basically saying to anyone else who sees it is, "God picked me".

good quote

Maybe it's not even advisable to be an optimist anymore. Maybe pessimism is something we have to apply daily, like moisturizer, otherwise how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system...? Is hope a drug we need to go off of, or is it keeping us alive? Whats the harm in believing?

One Embryo or Two?

So should I do one embryo transfer or two?

This link states that live births are comparable in eSets (elective single embryo transfers) and dsets (double embryo transfers). However, they state that ESET in women "35 years who are in their first IVF cycle and have at least three top-quality embryos is as effective as double embryo transfer (DET) and significantly decreases multiple birth rates, suggest study results".

Another site states that: "In the poor responders, the live birth rate per oocyte pick-up and per embryo transfer was 10.9 and 16.3%, respectively, compared with 23.9 and 27.7%, respectively, in the normal responders (p=0.0001 and p=0.01, respectively). In the poor responders, the live birth rate per single embryo transfer was 10.8%, compared with 27.8% per double embryo transfer (DET; p=0.0014) and in normal responders 28.1 vs. 26.6%, respectively (p=0.34)."

A further meta-analysis that combine the research out of Sweden and the Cochrane study states "Although lower pregnancy rates were noted with eSET during fresh IVF cycle when compared to DET, the study findings concluded that an additional frozen embryo transfer cycle will help negate this difference." So what the researchers are assuming is that IVF participants are willing to undergo a further frozen embryo transfer when the first cycle is a failure! They are saying that it is worth it to let patients down in the name of "reduce multiples" in the hopes that their frozen embryo transfer will WORK.

What a crock of crap. I personally don't enjoy being a pawn in fertility clinics' schemes to look good on paper. The same meta-analysis goes on to state that the results show "Lower overall live birth rate (27% vs. 42%; AOR=0.50; 95% CI=0.39-0.63) and greatly reduced multiple birth rate (2% vs. 29%; AOR=0.04; 95% CI=0.01-0.12) following fresh IVF cycle".

It is better to conquer yourself
Than to win a thousand battles.
Then the victory is yours.
It cannot be taken from you,
Not by angels or by demons,
Heaven or hell.

Buddha

I get so angry. I get so mad and I rail at God and blame Him for this and ask him, "why are you doing this to me? Is it something I've done? Are you punishing me? Do you care? Is there really a plan to this?"

I find it so easy to doubt everything. This feels so futile sometimes and I really feel like I can hope or wish or believe with a cheesy smile and STILL it'll all end up FUBAR. That's kind of how it's gone so far for me. I am SO tired of thinking of times by which I will be pregnant and then NOT BE PREGNANT. I am kind of just swimming in the agony right now, savoring the struggle. I know I "should" be hopeful and "should" believe and should just "trust in God's time" but I will do that in my own good time. For now I am angry. I am angry that I'm just a statistic, that my wishes paled in comparison to SG's desire for "low multiples statistics". I am angry that it works for other people right away and not me. I am angry that people already blessed with a child think they can "vent" at the same level of those of us who are childless. I am just plain angry. Because I am tired. I am tired of hoping, and trusting and believing. I am tired of smiling my cheesy smile to people and saying, "when it's time it's time"

Because it's freaking time already. I am standing at the counter ringing that bell waiting for someone to listen and answer me.

Sometimes hope really sucks.

Words I wish I could believe

This song reminds me of riding in the backseat of our station wagon, surrounded by my family. I love the song, and the lyrics are just so beautiful. Ask me in a few years and hopefully I'll have a different answer, but for right now, I call total "BS" on the lyrics!!!!

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you


If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do


Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing


Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true

God Isn't Fair

God isn't fair. There is no way I can believe that is, in the human definition "fair". What is "fair"? I guess you could say that I as a teacher am not "fair". Treating others fairly isn't the same as treating them equally. And I guess that you could say that the cumulative qualities of all that I have been given are equal to if not greater than the blessings of others.

But when I look at people who are just married and pregnant, or people who try one fertility treatment and successful, or people who just had a one night stand and end up knocked up, I can't believe that God is actually "fair". Where is the trade off to my waiting? Where is the reason to our struggles? How is it fair that I am not getting something I have wanted for so many years?