My mother and I were JUST talking about this yesterday at the mall; it seems like everywhere I go I see those stupid books. Matt and I have already gotten two sets of the books from people when they found out we were "trying". Now those books just tease me from the bag they're sitting in in our guest room closet. They mock my infertility!!!
Anyway, Mom and I were saying there should be a book for infertiles from this series, to get us hooked. Because I will be GOSH DARNED if I crack open one of these evil mean books when I am actually knocked up. I'd rather get some other cheesy guide. Or just use the internet. Who reads a book these days anyway? I'll be on my droid.
Anyway, here's a link that relates to this!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Some other good links on a septate uterus...
A blog on mullerian anomalies
""Resection" is not an accurate term for what happens, since no tissue is removed from the uterus; instead, the surgeon parts the septum, like cutting a swatch of material in half. On parting, the septum retracts close to the normal uterine wall on each side, where it is covered with endometrium within days or weeks."
An infertility blog run by a reproductive endocrinologist
online forum of people with septate uteri
""Resection" is not an accurate term for what happens, since no tissue is removed from the uterus; instead, the surgeon parts the septum, like cutting a swatch of material in half. On parting, the septum retracts close to the normal uterine wall on each side, where it is covered with endometrium within days or weeks."
An infertility blog run by a reproductive endocrinologist
online forum of people with septate uteri
"Up" brought me down
I just watched "Up" for the first time, and I knew what I was getting myself into, because I'd seen a warning about it on another fertility blog, but it threw me into a crying fit for a good 20 minutes... at least three times throughout the movie! Poor Walker didn't know what to do with himself. He does not like me crying :)
Anyway, I guess it helps to put things in perspective for me. The biggest adventure, and what makes my life fulfilled, is my husband. We have a wonderful adventure together and although I would LOVE to share a child with him, I don't need a child to have a full life with him. We already have such a wonderful time together. We are an adventure in an of itself.
Dear Matt,
If we never have children together, although that would make me sad because I want there to forever a be a part of you in the world, I wouldn't be disappointed. I wouldn't feel as if my life wasn't "complete", because my life became complete when you came into it. Everything else with you has been icing on the cake. I don't need children for our life to be worth living-- it's already worth living because I live everyday of it with you. Waking up with you, smiling with you, laughing and making up jokes with you, "sploring" with you and recording funny messages in the car, that's our life. That's our wonderful life. And it's already full of love and joy. I love you and I love what we have together so much. I hope you know that.
Anyway, I guess it helps to put things in perspective for me. The biggest adventure, and what makes my life fulfilled, is my husband. We have a wonderful adventure together and although I would LOVE to share a child with him, I don't need a child to have a full life with him. We already have such a wonderful time together. We are an adventure in an of itself.
Dear Matt,
If we never have children together, although that would make me sad because I want there to forever a be a part of you in the world, I wouldn't be disappointed. I wouldn't feel as if my life wasn't "complete", because my life became complete when you came into it. Everything else with you has been icing on the cake. I don't need children for our life to be worth living-- it's already worth living because I live everyday of it with you. Waking up with you, smiling with you, laughing and making up jokes with you, "sploring" with you and recording funny messages in the car, that's our life. That's our wonderful life. And it's already full of love and joy. I love you and I love what we have together so much. I hope you know that.
Friday, April 22, 2011
We get a month "off"!
Heard from my nurse and Dr. Kipersztok today. He wants me to take a month off to rest and recover from the surgery. Then I will go back in to get started with the IVF! :)
My quote for today comes from a song Matt often sings to me, a song he would sing everyday at DHS:
"Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me bring your
love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord
And where there's doubt, true faith in
you.
Chorus:
Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life, let me bring
hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy.
Chorus:
Make me a channel of your peace
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
In giving to all men that we receive
And in dying that we're born to eternal
life."
My quote for today comes from a song Matt often sings to me, a song he would sing everyday at DHS:
"Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me bring your
love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord
And where there's doubt, true faith in
you.
Chorus:
Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life, let me bring
hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy.
Chorus:
Make me a channel of your peace
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
In giving to all men that we receive
And in dying that we're born to eternal
life."
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Hysteroscopy down, what's next?
So to make a long story short, my hysteroscopy today went well!
We woke up at 5:05. I was soooo hungry already. I hate fasting, and I think just the thought that I 'can't" eat makes it much worse in my mind! I had to get my clothes out of the dryer, then pulled my hair back nicely, then wanted to pack my purse with extra undies and a dress in case I either had to stay overnight for some reason or didn't feel like putting pants back on afterwards. We got to SG with time to spare and ended up waiting until 7:55 to get called back-- but no worries! That happens. We got called back and met my nurse Jane. She was so nice! I had to empty my bladder, then change, and then the anesthesiologist came in. He was really nice and did a great job with the IV. I never really have trouble with IVs, I just don't like the feeling of the needle in me when I move around. Luckily that wasn't a problem.
So they started me on saline because I was PARCHED! Poor Matt had never experienced the whole surgery prep and anesthesia prep stuff (he's never had anesthesia before). He sat with me but I could tell he was a little nervous... I totally understand how he feels. I felt fine going into surgery, but I also hated being on the "outside" when he was in the hospital for his stomach stuff. Anyway, he and I entertained ourselves pre-surgery with a good battle of thumb wars and rockpaperscissors (we literally, for two or three rounds, shot the exact same things!). Then it was my time to go back! The anesthesiologist got the bag and the nurse tied my gown, and away I went. I got into the OR, sat on the bed, and was talking to the nurse while the anesthesiologist surreptitiously put an injection in my IV (that extra little place by the needle, I don't know what it's called). As I was scotting around on the bed I asked him "what did you put in that? it feels like college!". They all laughed and were talking to me about Penn State and the doctor put a mask over my face and said, "a few more seconds". The last thing I thought was that the air from the mask smelled funny and then I was awake!
I was groggy but could definitely tell a difference with this waking up than previous anesthesia times. The sedation they used today was "twilight" sedation so they said I would wake up faster and I really did! Matt made a video of me when he first came back; I always wondered what I was like when I was waking up :) I am cute! ha. I was in a little bit of cramping pain but they gave me a heating pad and I felt superb. The doctor came back and said that he got most, if not all, of the septum. Yay! That means no extra surgery. Dr. Levens did say that I would need to go back for an HSG, which I had last summer.
My other nurse, Sherry, came to check on me and took me for a walk-- she called it her sobriety check, haha. I passed it with flying colors, and was ready to go. They took out my IV, I had to sit for 5 minutes to let it clot, and away I went!
We'll wait to hear from Dr. K what the next step is. For now I am still taking my birth control pills-- which makes me wonder if we might start on IVF right away? Please, God? If that's your will :)
We woke up at 5:05. I was soooo hungry already. I hate fasting, and I think just the thought that I 'can't" eat makes it much worse in my mind! I had to get my clothes out of the dryer, then pulled my hair back nicely, then wanted to pack my purse with extra undies and a dress in case I either had to stay overnight for some reason or didn't feel like putting pants back on afterwards. We got to SG with time to spare and ended up waiting until 7:55 to get called back-- but no worries! That happens. We got called back and met my nurse Jane. She was so nice! I had to empty my bladder, then change, and then the anesthesiologist came in. He was really nice and did a great job with the IV. I never really have trouble with IVs, I just don't like the feeling of the needle in me when I move around. Luckily that wasn't a problem.
So they started me on saline because I was PARCHED! Poor Matt had never experienced the whole surgery prep and anesthesia prep stuff (he's never had anesthesia before). He sat with me but I could tell he was a little nervous... I totally understand how he feels. I felt fine going into surgery, but I also hated being on the "outside" when he was in the hospital for his stomach stuff. Anyway, he and I entertained ourselves pre-surgery with a good battle of thumb wars and rockpaperscissors (we literally, for two or three rounds, shot the exact same things!). Then it was my time to go back! The anesthesiologist got the bag and the nurse tied my gown, and away I went. I got into the OR, sat on the bed, and was talking to the nurse while the anesthesiologist surreptitiously put an injection in my IV (that extra little place by the needle, I don't know what it's called). As I was scotting around on the bed I asked him "what did you put in that? it feels like college!". They all laughed and were talking to me about Penn State and the doctor put a mask over my face and said, "a few more seconds". The last thing I thought was that the air from the mask smelled funny and then I was awake!
I was groggy but could definitely tell a difference with this waking up than previous anesthesia times. The sedation they used today was "twilight" sedation so they said I would wake up faster and I really did! Matt made a video of me when he first came back; I always wondered what I was like when I was waking up :) I am cute! ha. I was in a little bit of cramping pain but they gave me a heating pad and I felt superb. The doctor came back and said that he got most, if not all, of the septum. Yay! That means no extra surgery. Dr. Levens did say that I would need to go back for an HSG, which I had last summer.
My other nurse, Sherry, came to check on me and took me for a walk-- she called it her sobriety check, haha. I passed it with flying colors, and was ready to go. They took out my IV, I had to sit for 5 minutes to let it clot, and away I went!
We'll wait to hear from Dr. K what the next step is. For now I am still taking my birth control pills-- which makes me wonder if we might start on IVF right away? Please, God? If that's your will :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Time for surgery!
Heard from my nurse today. I am all set for my surgery tomorrow in Rockville. We need to be there by 7:30, yikes! It seems like it will be a pretty easy procedure. I certainly hope so.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Crazyyyyyyy
Things that drive me crazy:
-seeing women with 2+ children under the age of 2.
-seeing that stupid Nissan commercial where the woman is pregnant and the guy needs to get a new minivan
-seeing pregnant bellies in commercials. they're everywhere. and they're evil.
-seeing women with 2+ children under the age of 2.
-seeing that stupid Nissan commercial where the woman is pregnant and the guy needs to get a new minivan
-seeing pregnant bellies in commercials. they're everywhere. and they're evil.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
What if...? 1
What if I have to learn to live childfree with a smile….forever (from Mrs. A)?
What if I have to learn... well you know the thing is, I always imagined myself childfree. When I was little I actually quite often imagined a future where I didn't have kids of my own. I always imagined that I'd be the crazy spirited one-- I wanted to go explore the world and planned on sending home pictures from exotic places. I once thought that I would be a surrogate for my sister if she needed me to, but I never really considered me "having" children of my own-- until I had this dream, when I was about 12, about being grown up. I was grown up and I was pregnant. I was standing in the dining room of our old house and it was Thanksgiving. Interestingly, everyone was there but my dad, and I was leaning against the table and I was wearing leggings. That's all I remember. But when I woke up I realized that, you know, I WILL grow up one day and I will have children of my own.
So what would it be like to learn to live childfree? I will never have to answer that question. I will be a mother come hell or high water.
What if I have to learn... well you know the thing is, I always imagined myself childfree. When I was little I actually quite often imagined a future where I didn't have kids of my own. I always imagined that I'd be the crazy spirited one-- I wanted to go explore the world and planned on sending home pictures from exotic places. I once thought that I would be a surrogate for my sister if she needed me to, but I never really considered me "having" children of my own-- until I had this dream, when I was about 12, about being grown up. I was grown up and I was pregnant. I was standing in the dining room of our old house and it was Thanksgiving. Interestingly, everyone was there but my dad, and I was leaning against the table and I was wearing leggings. That's all I remember. But when I woke up I realized that, you know, I WILL grow up one day and I will have children of my own.
So what would it be like to learn to live childfree? I will never have to answer that question. I will be a mother come hell or high water.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
another really good link
... on my crazy birth defect :)
i need to get my kidneys checked.
http://www.acfs2000.com/surgery_services/mullerian-anomaly-surgery-double-uterus.html
i need to get my kidneys checked.
http://www.acfs2000.com/surgery_services/mullerian-anomaly-surgery-double-uterus.html
quote of today
IF I FIND IN MYSELF A DESIRE THAT NOTHING IN THIS WORLD CAN SATISFY,
THE MOST PROBABLE EXPLANATION IS THAT
I WAS MADE FOR ANOTHER WORLD.
~C.S. LEWIS
THE MOST PROBABLE EXPLANATION IS THAT
I WAS MADE FOR ANOTHER WORLD.
~C.S. LEWIS
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Imagine being infertile without a sister....!
You know my last post was a little depressing. I do HAVE people to talk to-- two wonderful people, in my mom and my sister! But here's the thing: you can only talk about your uterus so much... There's only so much you can tell a person about your fears before you worry they'll think you're deep and dark and hopelessly depressed. But I have to get it out. I have to own this grief and this sadness and then get it out of me.
It's almost like the little baby we'd envisioned in our hearts and minds when we got started with this cycle is gone forever. I know that we'll get "a" baby soon but that hope is gone.
It's almost like the little baby we'd envisioned in our hearts and minds when we got started with this cycle is gone forever. I know that we'll get "a" baby soon but that hope is gone.
Friday, April 8, 2011
update
heard from my nurse today. No news on when exactly I will get in for my surgery but it looks like it will be one day next week!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The next step is...
Got a call today from Dr. K and then my nurse. I will need to have a hysteroscopy. It will be exploratory but will also remove the septum if that's what it turns out to be. I am waiting to hear from the OR as to when exactly I will have my surgery. Dr. K has put in for it to be "asap" and with him. Hopefully I can get this sorted out sooner rather than later!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
why finding out i have a septate uterus is awesome.
Dr. K called me earlier tonight to tell me to NOT take my stim injections. Turns out the MRI showed that I have a septate uterus... Blech. No going forward with this cycle. Luckily he did put me back on BC pills, and didn't tell me to just give up. He told me that when he gets in the office on Monday he will know more and will let me know.
Matt and I were obviously very upset when we got the news. We were excited about this cycle. But we have come to the conclusion that this is a blessing to know about this so soon. If we hadn't known about it, we could have gone through with the IVF and lost our baby. We could have lost many babies and not known why until we were done with our possible tries at IVF. So now we have to wait and see what the next step is to fix my septum. Hopefully it's an easy fix and we can get back to making our baby soon....
“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.” - Mother Theresa
Matt and I were obviously very upset when we got the news. We were excited about this cycle. But we have come to the conclusion that this is a blessing to know about this so soon. If we hadn't known about it, we could have gone through with the IVF and lost our baby. We could have lost many babies and not known why until we were done with our possible tries at IVF. So now we have to wait and see what the next step is to fix my septum. Hopefully it's an easy fix and we can get back to making our baby soon....
“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.” - Mother Theresa
Friday, April 1, 2011
Video
This song was on Grey's Anatomy last night and I've heard it before in a montage video for Joe Paterno. But something about the lyrics resonated with me and what we're going through. "But these stories don't mean anything, when you've got no one to tell them to... It's true, that I was made for you"
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