Than to win a thousand battles.
Then the victory is yours.
It cannot be taken from you,
Not by angels or by demons,
Heaven or hell.
Buddha
I get so angry. I get so mad and I rail at God and blame Him for this and ask him, "why are you doing this to me? Is it something I've done? Are you punishing me? Do you care? Is there really a plan to this?"
I find it so easy to doubt everything. This feels so futile sometimes and I really feel like I can hope or wish or believe with a cheesy smile and STILL it'll all end up FUBAR. That's kind of how it's gone so far for me. I am SO tired of thinking of times by which I will be pregnant and then NOT BE PREGNANT. I am kind of just swimming in the agony right now, savoring the struggle. I know I "should" be hopeful and "should" believe and should just "trust in God's time" but I will do that in my own good time. For now I am angry. I am angry that I'm just a statistic, that my wishes paled in comparison to SG's desire for "low multiples statistics". I am angry that it works for other people right away and not me. I am angry that people already blessed with a child think they can "vent" at the same level of those of us who are childless. I am just plain angry. Because I am tired. I am tired of hoping, and trusting and believing. I am tired of smiling my cheesy smile to people and saying, "when it's time it's time"
Because it's freaking time already. I am standing at the counter ringing that bell waiting for someone to listen and answer me.
Sometimes hope really sucks.
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