Egg Retrieval Day is Here!!!

Today is the big retrieval day! I use this youtube video to keep me happy and positive:

Stimming for IVF... my reflections

Now that I am done stimming for (hopefully) our first baby, I want to record my thoughts and reflections on the stims so I remember this for the future.

My meds

-I started with 75iu of Bravelle & Menopur equally each night

-I messed up the Ganirelix when I started taking it and thought it was AM/PM, so for the first day only I took an extra dose of it

-After a few days (see the posts) I went up to 112iu of Menopur and later 112iu of Bravelle and 150iu of Menopur

-I was taking my prenatal every morning

How I reacted to them

--Menopur is evil! I had horrible headaches the first four days, getting better by the day (first day was all day and fully intolerable, by the 4th day it was better)

--I also got serious backaches between days 3&6 on the stims. One night I couldn't sleep at all. Remember, you can take Extra Strength Tylenol. DO IT! The slightest bit of back pain, take tylenol before it gets out of hand.

--The Menopur stings going in, and will bruise if you pull out the needle too slowly. Leave it in for a few secs after you're done injecting, also, so some meds don't leak out.

--The Ganirelix needles is dull. The first time I tried to do this injection in my leg it bounced off my skin!!! Dart like motion, seriously.

--The Ganirelix also causes a red itchy welt around the injection, a quarter-sized reddish raised itchy thing. A warm paper towel will make it better in a little bit. Within 20 minutes it's gone. It's better in the thigh than the tummy.

--The meds make you super forgetful. Don't put anything down out of place. I lost my wedding ring about 4 times and my car keys more times than I care to count!

Trigger Happy

We are triggered! I triggered at 11:30. It was crazy, I put getting everything together off because I figured we had tons of time. Next thing I know it's 11:22 and my hands are shaking--- wait a minute, Matt has to give me a shot????!

Skip to 11:29, the meds are mixed, alcohol is swabbed and Mattie jabs me like a pro. I am so proud of him. And it really didn't hurt that much. Like a shot, only given by a much cuter doctor, tee heeeeeee

Now I have a heat pad on the injection site so it calms down before bed time. I am so excited! Babies get ready for us!!!! Today I had 9 follicles ready to go-- let's hope for 9 eggs on Saturday!

SO WHAT'S A TRIGGER SHOT?

A trigger shot is an intramuscular injection of HcG, in my case it's Pregnyl. The trigger shot is used to prompt the ovaries to release the eggs, or ovulate, in a timed manner. It also maintains the maturation of the eggs, so they don't come out too young or too mature. The trigger shot is done exactly 36 hours before the scheduled retrieval. Our ER was scheduled for 11:30 on Saturday so we had to do the trigger on Thursday night at 11:30.

She strikes again!

Tonight I was supposed to switch from a half dose of Menopur to a half dose of Bravelle. Well which vial did I put 2cc of sodium chloride in? The Menopur! Stupid me!!! I googled it and a couple forums showed questionable responses about having too much diluent so I stashed it in the fridge and grabbed a new vial. But gosh, I really am a moron! I could never be in medicine!

And the kicker is that the whole time I refuse to allow Matt to talk to me because "I need to concentrate". Even with my full attention I am a medical moron!!!!

Follicle count & Newer dosage

10:00 am:

Today my follicle count was 12! 6 on both sides :) They were between 11 & 14 mm each so none are too big or dominant (which can create problems). Hopefully we are on the right track for a good retrieval!

4:40 pm:

Just heard from the nurse. My estrogen level was 250. I have no idea if that's good or bad.

Tonight I am starting my Ganirellix injection. I am also increasing my meds to 112u of Bravelle (1.5 vials) and 150u of Menopur (2 vials). I will do the Ganirellix tonight, and then start AM dosing of it. I will stick to PM dosing of my other meds.

Hopefully we are on the track for a baby!!!

The Saga Continues... i.e. If I were a doctor I'd be sued

So I used too much "diluent" in my injection tonight-- I used my half dose of menopur from last night, forgetting I already had 1cc in there with the med. I thought I was so clever, putting a half cc of saline in there, congratulating myself for my mathematic skills and syringe deplunging prowess. Then I realized the error of my ways. I quickly looked up "too much diluent" and "stimming" on google, and a whole bunch of stuff about John Travolta came up. Really? I mean, REALLY? I think it had to do with his son, so I'll stop there.

Anyway I figured if John Travolta can do it, so can I. So I finished mixing that bad boy and deplunged the contents into my abdomen. Ooh Menopur, the things you do to me!

"Things You Shouldn't Put in Your Mouth..."

Apparently one is not supposed to take advil/ibuprofen products while stimming. Something that could have been brought to my attention yesterday!!!!

First follicle count & New dosage

Went in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork :) I don't know the bloodwork results, but the ultrasound showed 4 follicles on the right and 3 on the left... I don't know if that's good or not?

3:30:

So the nurse called with my results-- bloodwork was okay but the doc wasn't pleased with my egg production. He increased my dosage of Menopur to 1.5 vials (112.5 ius). Hopefully that'll do the trick to get my eggs cooking!

You know you're infertile when...

... a tiny fruit fly keeps landing on you and swarming around you but you refuse to kill it, suspecting that it might be the spirit of an ancestor coming to say hi and killing it would curse you to infertility forever!!!

I put the "moan" in hormonal

Sooooo today I had yet again a terrible headache. It's not a normal headache; it's the kind that makes you feel like your brain is a sponge and someone is squeezing it from the inside. It hurts to move too quickly, hurts to hear loud noises, even my eyeballs hurt! But it's not like a migraine. A migraine is so bad that the pain becomes its own issue that I comparmentalize and I can deal with it. This pain is different. It's like I can't even function. It's the craziest feeling in the world!

I am only on day two of the stims though so I figure it must be the drastic change in hormones affecting me. I've found many posts online that show others having the same side effects; I am not too worried about it, but ready for my body to adjust so that I don't feel so terrible!

On the plus side, I didn't wake up with the raging headache today-- it only struck at about 12:30ish :)

Life always has silver linings!!!

Headache! :(

I have the worst headache ever. It is multi-localed and it feels like my brain is moving and my neck is uncomfortable and it totally sucks...

Stupid side effect!!!!!

The Adventures of Sarah's Stimmng

So last night I started the stimulant shots, or "stimming" as people call them online. I went to an injection class back in April but was kind of nervous about actually doing it! Anywho I got started but when I went to finish the mixing there was an air bubble in the syringe by the plunger that just wouldn't go away! :( I didn't know what to do, so I reinjected it into an empty medicine vial to reload the syringe. Well something I did backfired and I ended up spraying myself with medicine!!!

On the NEXT try I mixed just fine and I Had no problem with mixing, but I ended up two little lines below the 1cc of water I started with! :(

On the THIRD try the same thing happened again but whatever. I did the injection. It took awhile to actually get it "in" me, hehehehe

But it went in-- and I couldn't sleep :( I was totally an insomniac. No good! I listened to new age music and tried to relax. I finally fell asleep around 1ish...

Woke up today with a killer headache!

To Cheer Me UP....

I found this forum of success stories on people who had to do IVF with ICSI...

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=49593.12

Crying in the Shower

I just cried in the shower for the past half an hour. I can't stop myself from thinking and wondering and asking why not me. Sometimes I tell myself, I tease myself, I chide myself, that God is punishing me for everything I have ever done wrong. That God is telling me I obviously am either not worthy enough or good enough or whatever enough to be a Mom. I know this is just my insecurity talking. I don't believe in a God that would be like that, but obviously on some level I do.

I just want an answer. I want to know why it's not me. I want to know why others get it so easy, why others take it for granted, why some can even KILL their children and still be blessed with the gift of life while I have waited since 2006 for even the slightest glimmer of a positive pregnancy test. I can't even imagine what that would feel like, what that joy would be, what emotions I would feel and I'm sure so many other more blessed, more entitled, more gifted, more privileged and more deserving women in the world would be more than willing to go on at length about how they feel about motherhood but I don't care.

This is about me. I have to make it about me and how I feel and how horrible it feels to believe that your very existence is pointless and without gravity. If I die tomorrow what will be left of me in the world? Absolutely nothing, except maybe some spiteful students who I once snapped at and a dog who will believe I abandoned him. (Of course I know I have my family but they have themselves and their own legacies. And my poor darling Matt) But if I die, I leave very little behind in the world. What does that say about me? What does that say about my existence?

I know this is so selfish, that there are plenty of parents in the world who aren't biologically linked to their children, who are parents through action more than blood, and who are probably better parents than most biological parents. Maybe one day that will be me, and my baby will biologically be another's but will be mine in heart and spirit. I would love that. I would love that baby. I would love any baby because I want to mother. Noun/verb, whatever, but there is something in me that wants to mother. I want to love. I have so much love to give and my poor labrador can only tolerate so much.

What if I die tomorrow? Where will that love go?

Bone Sigh Arts

I came across this woman's artwork while on my daytrip with Grandmom. We were driving through Shepherdstown and I saw an earthy store that just called to me-- I was drawn to this beautiful art! I love the mix of quotes and watercolor!!!